


Regret is an Awful Thing to Live with

by Last_one_standing_02



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Abortion, Bensler, EO - Freeform, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28476906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Last_one_standing_02/pseuds/Last_one_standing_02
Summary: Yes, it's about THAT comment Olivia made. So this is my version of it. What if Olivia had been pregnant and chose to have an abortion? It fits into my Another Reason universe, but it's quite stand alone story. Established EO, set in season 20. Rating should be taken seriously.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Take rating seriously. It deals with abortion. If it's not something you're comfortable reading about, I suggest you close this story now.

"I mean did you?" Amanda asked.

"Did I what?" Olivia asked dumbly.

"You, when you were pregnant, did you let the father know before you…" Amanda trailed off.

"Before I what?" Olivia asked, she narrowed her eyes.

"You make me say it. We were standing right here, when you said you had an abortion," Amanda spelt out the words she tried to avoid.

Olivia sighed and released a breath. "I'm sorry Amanda, you must've misunderstood. I said that a regret is an awful thing to live with. So you assumed," she said heavily.

"Yeah, and you let me," Amanda spat back, suddenly embarrassed for her words.

"I'm sorry about that," Olivia said sincerely. "It was a complicated story and I didn't want to get into that," she offered an explanation.

Amanda nodded and was ready to walk away.

"Amanda," Olivia called after her.

Amanda stopped and turned back to Olivia.

"Yeah, I've had an abortion," she said seriously. Olivia swallowed. She was so aware of her hands over Amanda's desk, she was holding onto it like it was a lifeline.

Amanda didn't say a word, she looked intensely at her commanding officer.

"And the father knew about it, he made the appointment for me," Olivia elaborated on her experience, it's something she rarely spoke about, even with the father.

Amanda squinted her eyes. "So what, he made the appointment because he wanted you to have an abortion?" she asked.

"Oh, not like that. He made the appointment, because I couldn't," Olivia quickly corrected herself. "It was my decision," she clarified.

Olivia sat down by Amanda's desk and Amanda sat down in her chair, listening.

"He was okay with your decision?" she asked.

Olivia nodded. "After I took the test and it was positive, I cried and he was there, he told me then that it would be my decision and he would support me no matter what I wanna do."

Olivia swallowed.

"He said that he won't pressure me into having a child, but he can't tell me to have an abortion." Olivia sighed. She toyed with the ring around her finger, her body was tensing up.

Amanda chose to stay silent. She wasn't planning on pushing Olivia that far, but she was curious of what had happened. She wasn't invading her privacy, but she felt like it. Olivia had been very private about her personal life.

"So you chose to have an abortion?" Amanda couldn't hold her question in any longer.

Olivia pressed her lips tightly together and nodded.

"The situation was complicated, Amanda," Olivia said quickly in defense. She took yet another heavy breath and turned her eyes away from the younger detective.

"I'm not judging," Amanda said quickly.

Olivia shook her head – she never thought Amanda was being accusative or judgmental of her choices.

"Look, you have to understand it was a complicated situation, and that was the hardest decision of my life," Olivia explained.

"I bet," Amanda agreed. "You don't have to talk about it," she gave Olivia a way out, secretly hoping she wouldn't take it.

Olivia chuckled, she shook her head and tilted it while looking at Amanda. "I know," she replied. She released a heavy breath.

"It was my third pregnancy, certainly unexpected," Olivia said, she ignored Amanda's reaction, she was not about to talk about her first miscarriage and the whole fallout with Elliot. "I was already 45, I had a beautiful healthy baby boy and we were getting a bit old to do it all again."

Amanda squinted her eyes, she was doing her calculations on when it must've been.

"It was a little over five years ago," Olivia said as if she was reading Amanda's mind.

"Liv, I'm sorry," Amanda said compassionately, she was trying to think back, but nothing stood out and she must've hidden everything well enough for Amanda to completely miss everything.

Olivia accepted it, but nothing could ease her mind. "It nearly broke me, but I had Elliot there to support me. You see, we both would've wanted to have another child, had I been pregnant a few years earlier, then there would not have been a choice," Olivia explained.

Amanda looked at her sadly.

"During that time, Elliot was the best partner, the best boyfriend I could've hoped for. He was there to hold me, when I needed it and he sat quietly through every breakdown I had. I am not sure if I'd come out of the situation without him. He was my rock, him and Benjamin," she explained.

"I'm glad he reacted the way he did and I'll be forever grateful for having him help me through it," she admitted, she rarely talked about Elliot at work and her coworkers didn't seem to think much of Elliot.

"I never realized before how hard it is to make that choice," she admitted.

She looked around and got herself a minute to collect herself and push back the tears threatening to appear.

"The clinic was very good, everybody was good to me. Because I was just a crying mess and Elliot was there trying to get everything organized, they kept asking me if I was sure and tried to get me alone to confirm it was my decision. El asked me the same thing. He stood with me through our first and last ultrasound, but most importantly he was there in the room holding my hand, when they ended my pregnancy. I chose to be awake for it, but they can put you to sleep. And El made a world of difference with his support and his presence," Olivia talked about the procedure she had years ago, but up to date she has only talked about once in therapy. She wiped away the lone tear from her cheek.

"Yeah, I bet," Amanda agreed. "That's the difference between us. You have been with the same guy for 10 years, I'm having my second kid, with a second man and I don't think I'm gonna get married to either of my baby daddy," Amanda said.

"I didn't get married to Elliot until only a few years back. You have time, and you will meet your Prince Charming soon, I'm sure of it," Olivia said confidently.

"Do you regret it?" Amanda was blunt.

"No," Olivia said firmly. "I regret being a little too careless and getting pregnant at all. I regret putting myself and Elliot in that complicated situation. I regret almost everything about that, except getting abortion," Olivia admitted.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, it takes two," Amanda offered.

Olivia smiled.

"It doesn't take away my part and my guilt. El's catholic, he doesn't go to church much anymore, but he has his faith. My actions were against that. Elliot would have never forced me do to anything based on his religion, he let me make my decision, but I made him turn away from his God. That's what I regret," she spoke.

Amanda stayed quiet.

"Like I said, Elliot was amazing all through that situation," she said. She sighed, in a way she felt relief for talking about her choice, but it also brought back the old emotions she had. "So now you know," she concluded.

"I'm so sorry for what you went through," Amanda said. Subconsciously she was running circles over her swollen abdomen, suddenly at ease with her decision not to terminate the pregnancy.

As just on cue, Elliot walked into the bullpen, he strolled over to the two women, unknowing of the heavy subject matter of their conversation.

"You ready to go?" he asked with a smile as he approached Olivia and Amanda.

Olivia looked over at Amanda, who nodded. "Yeah," Olivia responded.

Elliot reached Olivia, he kissed the top of her head and placed his hands on her shoulders. The look Amanda was giving him looked new. "Everything okay?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah," Amanda replied, but she didn't look too convincing.

"We don't have to go, if you need to stay," Elliot said to Olivia, he was absentmindedly massaging her shoulders.

"Go where?" Olivia asked.

"Date night, we have a reservation and Maureen has the boys," Elliot reminded her.

Olivia closed her eyes and cursed herself. "I forgot," she admitted.

"It's okay," he brushed if off.

Olivia stood up, she turned around and looked at Elliot, who had done the effort and put on a nice suit with light blue shirt and black tie. She felt guilty. "You look handsome," she commented. Elliot grinned.

"But I forgot to take a change of clothes," she admitted.

"Yet you still look gorgeous," he returned the compliment.

Olivia smiled.

"We don't have to go out, we can just have a quiet night in without the boys," he said.

Olivia shook her head. "No, I wanna go out," she decided.

Elliot grinned.

"Give me a minute to grab my stuff," she said. Olivia quickly pecked Elliot's cheek and rushed past him into her office.

Elliot gave another look to Amanda, who was still digesting everything she just heard. "You sure, you're okay?" Elliot asked the younger woman.

Amanda nodded unconvincingly, Elliot could see through that, but he misinterpreted what's behind her worries.

"Look, having a baby on your own is scary, nevertheless having two. You are a strong woman and you can do it. I know Liv will be there for whatever you need and so is the rest of the squad," Elliot said genuinely.

"You really love Liv, don't you?" Amanda asked bluntly.

Elliot was taken back. "Of course I do," he responded like it wasn't even a question worth asking, because there was only one answer.

Amanda was staring him down, then Olivia returned. Elliot met her in the middle of the room, he took her hand in his.

"Have a good one," Amanda said to the pair.

"Thanks," Olivia replied.

Before Olivia and Elliot could make it out of the bullpen, Olivia stopped and threw her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. Elliot relied on his muscle memory to catch her and hold her against him in a way that would give security to any woman.

"You sure everything's okay?" he asked cautiously when Olivia released his lips and hugged him tightly. She made the rule of no PDA at the office and it was very unlike her to break it.

"Yeah, I just remembered how good man you are," she said.

Elliot chuckled with pride. "With you, always," he replied.

"You'd better," she threatened playfully.

Elliot chuckled, kissed the side of her neck affectionately, his palms on her back holding her against him. "Babe, you're the only one I love," he whispered.

"Besides, I think we have established that I have my hands very full with you and Ben," he joked. Olivia laughed.

She pulled away slightly, kissed his lips again and took his hand again.

"After all, you are my wife," he said.

"Husband," she replied.


	2. Choice

Elliot walked into the living room, where Olivia was distractedly watching TV.

"Ben's finally sleeping," he said and sat down next to her. He had his arm on the back of the couch, and loosely around Olivia.

"You ended up reading her two stories, didn't you?" Olivia asked knowingly.

Elliot nodded with tiredness.

"He has so much energy," Elliot said.

Olivia smiled. She leaned up and kissed his cheek. "Feeling old yet?" she teased.

He shook his head. "Never," he said. "I have to keep up with a 5-year-old with infinite energy, I can't be old."

Olivia smiled. "Would you do that again?" she asked.

"What?" Elliot asked, not quite sure what she meant.

"Diapers and nighttime feedings and bedtime stories and all that," Olivia counted.

He chuckled. "Ben is pretty handful; he has so much energy and he wants to do everything. But he is also so amazing and extremely cute little boy."

"He takes a lot of time," Olivia agreed.

"And I have to take care of his stubborn detective of mother," Elliot joked.

"That is very hard indeed," Olivia pretended to agree.

"It is," he confirmed.

"It is not easy to keep a woman happy and relationship fresh after nearly 10 years together," he elaborated. "And doing all of that while chasing a five-year-old soccer player."

Olivia smiled.

"You really have your hands full with us," she agreed.

Elliot placed her one hand on her thigh and wrapped the other one around her shoulders, so he had quite literally his hands full with her.

"Very," he confirmed.

"Wouldn't want to add something to that," she mused.

"Liv, honey," Elliot said, then pressed his lips against her temple and kissed her hair, "is there something you wanna tell me?"

He gently kissed her temple again.

Olivia closed her eyes, she leaned into him, but didn't say anything. She didn't quite want to tell him anything, but she really had to.

"Whatever it is, we'll get through it together," he encouraged her.

Olivia took a deep breath, she took his hand in hers.

"Everything is okay, El," she calmed him. She snuggled into him and kissed his cheek. Elliot closed his eyes for a moment.

"I know something's been bothering you," he said knowingly. "But I have no idea what it is."

Olivia sighed.

"Elliot, do you want to have another baby?" she blurted out.

He was stunned and completely taken back, he tried to hide his surprise, but Olivia could read him well. "Do you?" he returned the question.

"I asked first," Olivia diverted the question back to him.

Elliot fell silent. He ran his fingers on her shoulder up and down, clutched her fingers in his and breathed heavily.

"I haven't really thought about it," he said.

"Yeah, we never actually talked about kids," Olivia agreed.

Elliot looked around the room, absentmindedly searching for an answer.

"Liv," he said, he squeezed her hand in his. "Another baby has not been in my plans," he said honestly, then stopped. "But if that's what you really want then I guess we can do it."

"El, I am not thinking about having another baby." She spoke quickly.

Elliot looked relieved, but not quite easy yet. "I'm detecting a but," he pried.

Olivia nodded.

"I think I might be pregnant," she confessed.

Elliot stilled his hands on her shoulder. She stayed silent and waited for a response, but Elliot barely looked like he had heard her.

"Have you taken a test?" he asked, his expression unreadable.

Olivia shook her head.

"I bought one a few days ago," she said.

Elliot nodded.

He squeezed her hand comfortingly.

"Let's do this then," he said.

Olivia agreed. She asked for Elliot to wait in the bedroom while she peed on the stick, then set the timer and joined him in the bedroom. They were both sitting on the foot of their bed.

"Honey, no matter what the result, we will figure it out together," he assured her.

"I know," she whispered.

Olivia leaned into him and closed her eyes. Elliot wrapped his arm around her again, kissed the side of her head and placed his on top of hers. He also closed his eyes.

"I never thought that you would leave me alone with this," she said knowingly. Oddly enough for the first time in her life she was in a relationship where she could trust that Elliot would be there no matter what.

"Never," he confirmed.

Olivia lifted her head, stared deep into his eyes and leaped forward to kiss him. She kissed him with passion, force and a hint of desperation. He returned the kiss with all of the assurance he could put into one kiss.

The timer on her phone beeped and Elliot pulled slightly away, but Olivia followed him with her body. "No, don't," she said through the kiss. "Just ignore it," she instructed.

The timer was becoming rather annoying.

"Liv," he said against her lips.

Olivia didn't respond, so Elliot wrapped his fingers around her forearms and gently held her at arm's length while he pulled away from her, it could've been the first time he had to say no to her and had to use his strength to pull away from her.

"Liv," he whispered.

Olivia sighed, she reached for her phone and turned off the alarm. She leaned back into him and buried her head against his chest. Elliot hugged her tightly.

"We are in this together," he assured her.

Olivia nodded against his chest.

He could see fear in her eyes when she lifted her head, in all fairness she could probably see the same thing in his eyes even if he did his best to be reassuring and calm figure in the room. They stood up.

He nodded confidently, he caught the chain around her neck and took the golden diamond ring he'd given her. He leaned down and pressed his lips against the ring. Then he guided her hand to the ring and closed her fingers around it. He kissed her forehead and wrapped one arm around her. In silence he reminded her of his commitment and dedication.

She nodded.

She turned around and headed into the bathroom, Elliot right behind her.

Olivia halted at the bathroom sink, where the test was placed. Two clear blue lines were staring back at them.

Silence.

"Liv?" he broke the silence.

Olivia seemed to get back to reality. She shook her head, she was mumbling something Elliot couldn't understand.

Suddenly, unexpectedly her legs gave up and she fell to the floor crying, luckily Elliot reacted quickly enough to break some of her fall. He got on the floor as well, leaned against the wall and gathered her in his arms. She came there easily, buried her head against his shoulder and threw her arms around his neck.

"I fucked up, El," she sobbed.

"It's not on you, babe, it takes two," he tried to calm her – he wasn't blaming her, he couldn't do that, not while he was equally responsible for the situation.

She was crying, mumbling about how it's all her fault and many other things Elliot couldn't quite understand. She was wailing in his arms, some of her noises got muffled in his shirt, some escaped into the air.

In a quick second Elliot prayed that Ben would sleep through it, because this was not the situation he wanted his son to see.

He ran his fingers in her hair and held her against him with the other. He kept kissing the top of her head and whispering how it was going to be okay, even if he didn't quite believe in it himself.

It was not often that Olivia would break into uncontrolled hysterical crying mess, so Elliot didn't really know how to take care of her in this state. He was content in letting it run its course and then do his best to pick up the pieces afterwards.

And of course, make the choice. But he knew it had to be hers, there was no way he could tell her to go get abortion or make her carry a baby against her will. Still, no matter which way they chose to go, it was not going to be easy.

It took her half an hour to run out of tears. She quieted down hiccupping, she was still clutching his shirt and Elliot was rocking her gently while holding her tight against him. He tried to whisper reassurances to her, but he came short reassuring himself that it would be okay, yet he was the one, who managed to keep it together. For now.

There were a few tears falling from his eyes, knowing they'd be facing some difficult decisions ahead.

Finally, she lifted head and looked at Elliot through red puffy eyes.

"What are we gonna do?" she asked tearfully.

"I don't know," he replied.

He kissed her forehead; he kept his lips against her for much longer than he normally would have. "But I will support you no matter what you wanna do," he assured her.

"Isn't," she started, but a hiccup interrupted her, "abortion against your religion?"

Elliot shook her head.

"I haven't been to church for years, whereas Catholics are anti-abortion, my years at SVU have made me realize the importance of having a choice," Elliot said.

"So, you wouldn't hate me if I wanted to get abortion?" she asked warily.

"No," he said easily. "But I would hate myself if we would choose to have a baby, because of my faith," he elaborated.

Olivia nodded, she knew what Elliot was trying to do and she really appreciated it.

"Honey, I will not be one of these men, who will tell you what to do with your body. I will support you no matter what you wanna do. If you want, I will make an appointment in the clinic and hold your hand through it all or I will show up to every ultrasound and love the newest member our family. But I cannot make that decision for you," Elliot explained earnestly.

"I don't know what I wanna do," she admitted.

"It's okay, you don't need to make it right now," he said calmly.

He kissed her salty and teary lips.

"I love Ben, I really love my son – our son – and I will always choose him over everything. I can't imagine my life without him, I don't ever wanna imagine my life without him. I love him so much, way more than I thought it was possible to love another person," Olivia said, he could tell she was earnest.

"Liv, I know. You are excellent mother to Ben, I would never question your love for our little boy," Elliot replied, he didn't need her justification – he didn't want her to feel like he needed one either.

"It's so fucked up," she said. Olivia leaped forward and clung into Elliot. Elliot agreed nonverbally. Even though he managed to stay calm, he couldn't downplay the complicatedness of the situation. It would've been so much easier, if Olivia had said it as a happy news, then there would be no decision to make, it would be easy.

"Honey, just remember that you're not in this alone," he reminded her.

Olivia was nodding against his chest.

"I'm so tired," she admitted.

To think of it, Elliot remembered that she'd been really exhausted lately, just as she'd been tired when they were expecting Ben.

"Let's get you to bed," he said.

Olivia agreed, together they got up from the cold bathroom floor and descended into their bedroom, into the bed under the covers.

Absentmindedly he wrapped his arm around her midsection from behind, but she grabbed her hand the second it made a contact with her lower abdomen. She took his hand in hers and held it. Elliot nearly apologized, but he didn't.

"You must be the most fertile man around," she half joked.

"What?" he asked.

"It's your seventh time to knock a woman up," she explained.

Elliot did the calculations – 4 pregnancies with Kathy and now it's the third time with Olivia. She was correct, but somehow it didn't feel like it was that many.

"Liv, if I recall correctly, then with you it's always been an accident," he said. "Maybe you are just very fertile."

"Maybe," she said.

"I don't think I can go to work tomorrow," she admitted. It was probably for the best.

Elliot released her and grabbed his phone from the nightstand. "I'll text Cragen that you have a food poisoning and I'm keeping you home tomorrow," he said while typing his text.

"Thank you," she said.

Elliot dropped his phone back to the nightstand and wrapped his arms around her again, this time avoiding her abdomen.

"I love you, Olivia," he whispered, he kissed her cheek.

"And I love you," she replied.

Elliot breathed her in, his nose against her neck and his lips ghosting over her skin.

"El, promise me that this won't break us," she requested.

"I promise," he said fully intending to keep that promise.

***SVU***

"Are you sure?" he asked her again.

Tearful Olivia nodded; she was sobbing.

"Liv, we don't have to do it now," he tried to offer her a different solution, one that would make her less unhappy. "This is not the only choice."

"I know," she sobbed.

She wiped the tears from her eyes, she tried not to cry, but she couldn't stop the new tears from falling.

"Honey, I see how much it's hurting you. I don't wanna see you in this much pain," he said compassionately. His arm was around her shoulder – the only comfort she accepted from him.

"I think that's the point, this is not supposed to be easy," Olivia said.

Elliot agreed.

"Are you absolutely sure you wanna do this?" he asked.

Olivia nodded.

"Because you can change your mind and it will be okay," he prompted.

"No, this is what we agreed on. We both love Ben, but we are getting old to have two kids under the age of 6 running around, plus I'm over 45 and the chances of everything going wrong are so much higher. This will be the best decision for all concerned," she ranted.

"If you're sure," he asked for confirmation one more time.

"I'm sure, El. I wanna have an abortion, but you're gonna have to make the appointment for me, because I can't," she confirmed her wishes.

"Okay," Elliot replied.

He took a deep breath and typed in the number they had chosen before – they had a reputation of being discrete and is recommended by other women in the same situation. In fact Olivia had heard about it from a few survivors of sexual assault.

He dialed the number.

"Hi, I'd like to make an appointment," he said to the phone.

"Olivia Benson," he said after a short pause and then said some of her personal details, while looking over at her for any sign of hesitation, but he couldn't find any.

"Yeah, emergency contact is Elliot Stabler," he looked over at her again and gave them his number with a note that he's the father.

Next Elliot wrote down a date and bid his farewell to the lady. He placed his phone back on the table.

"We have an appointment next week," he said.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"But you know that you can change your mind any time before," he informed her.

"It almost sounds like you don't want me to go through with it," she commented.

Elliot shook her head.

"I don't want you to regret it," he said. Then ignored her previous protests and wrapped his other hand around and pulled her against his chest. She didn't protest anymore. "Because regret is an awful thing to live with," he said.

She sobbed into his chest.

And all he could do was hold her, let her cry and whisper just how much he loved her.

***SVU***

The first thing Elliot noticed about the clinic was how white it was, there was no other color around. It felt very impersonal, but sterile. I guess that's what abortion clinic is supposed to look like.

Olivia was clutching his hand. She'd been crying the previous nights and Elliot was fearing the worst, but she seemed okay in the morning. She didn't talk much as if she was scared that she'd open her mouth then her tear ducts will open too.

People at the clinic seemed very nice. They informed Olivia how she can change her mind at any time and they gave a few concerning looks at Elliot, to whom Olivia was clinging to. Elliot did most of the talking, he was taking control of it.

The ultrasound was the worst. It confirmed that Olivia was 8 weeks along, so far it looked to be good. Elliot looked at the screen once and then back at Olivia, who was staring at the image. He could tell she was close to tears.

The nurse told her once again that she can change her mind.

And that's when she lost it.

She leaped into Elliot and burst into tears.

"Shh, it's okay, babe," he whispered. He had his arms wrapped around her, and she was running soothing circles on her back.

"You don't have to go through with this, you can change your mind," the nurse repeated.

It only caused Olivia to weep even louder.

Elliot gave a dirty look to the nurse, who misinterpreted that, so Elliot's next question surprised her.

"Liv, honey, it's okay. If you want, we can do this and have another baby. It's okay," he whispered gently.

Olivia shook her head against him. "No," she said between sobbing.

The nurse nodded at the response and excused herself, she left them alone.

"Why is it so hard?" She asked.

"Because it's a big decision," he replied.

"Would you still love me if I go through with this?" she asked.

Elliot kissed her hair, he held her a little tighter and kissed the side of her head again.

"I love you no matter what you choose to do," he assured her. "Liv, like I said, it's your body and your choice. I will stand by you no matter what," he said.

She thanked him.

She took a deep breath and pushed herself from Elliot's embrace. She wiped her tears and collected herself.

Elliot leaned forward to kiss her, but she leaned back and put her palm on his chest. "I don't deserve any affection right now," she said.

Elliot rolled his eyes. He ignored her protest and kissed her anyway, there was no protest in the way she returned the kiss.

"Babe, you deserve all the affection, all the time. It's not your fault, stop blaming yourself, I never blamed you. We both had our part in this," he said seriously.

Olivia nodded.

"I'm so sorry you're in this position now and I wish there was something I could do to undo it all," he continued.

"Me too," she whispered.

The door opened and the nurse walked in.

"Are you ready?" she asked.

Elliot looked at Olivia who nodded.

"Yes," Elliot voiced the confirmation.

Elliot had her hand in his instantly. She was shivering, even if she tried to keep everything together on the outside, she was just a thread away from a complete breakdown. Elliot was well aware of that, ironically, he could've been the cause or the solution to it, yet he had no idea which one he was that day.

The doctor entered the room, first she asked Elliot to step out for a minute. Even though he didn't like it, Elliot stepped outside to the hallway and took a seat in one of the chairs.

After fifteen minutes the door opened and nurse informed Elliot that he could step back in. He did so and found his way back to Olivia's bedside, he took her shaking hand in his. Olivia said quickly that she had to sign some forms and the doctor explained the procedure to her.

"They said you can be in the room if you want," Olivia said shyly.

"Of course, I'll be there, unless if it makes you uncomfortable," he replied.

Olivia shook her head. "No, I want you there," she said.

Elliot kissed the top of her head and whispered once more how much he loved her.

The doctor and nurse started preparing her. Elliot sat by her head and made a note to keep his eyes on hers and not look around too much and focus on her. He had her hand in both of his, he kissed her fingers.

"Are you ready?" the doctor asked.

Olivia nodded, there was a tear in her eye. "Yes," she said with weak voice.

Olivia was looking straight into his eyes, she turned away, when they started, but Elliot didn't.

All through the procedure Elliot could tell if something was being done or if she felt any of that just by the way she squeezed his hand a bit harder or the grimaces on her face.

He chose silence while the doctor performed the procedure. If Olivia felt any pain or was otherwise uncomfortable, she didn't say anything.

It was over in 10 minutes.

The doctor said it went well, she said that a nurse would be back in a bit to explain the aftercare.

Elliot leaned over her and kissed her forehead, then sat back down. He'd done the same thing just after Ben was born.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

She shrugged he shoulders. "I don't really feel that different," she admitted.

"Any pain?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Just a bit pressure," she said.

Elliot caressed her face with the backs of his fingers, he put a loose strand of hair behind her ear, the other hand still holding hers.

"That's good," he said with relief.

He stood up and kissed her lips properly.

"I love you," he reminded her.

"Love you too," she replied automatically.

He smiled, sat back down and continued running his fingers in her hair.

A nurse knocked on the door and then came back into the room. She handed Olivia some pamphlets about after care, explained that she could expect some bleeding and when to come back. She gave Elliot a stern look, while she said that vaginal sex is off the table for a few weeks or until Olivia feels okay with it. She gave Olivia some contact information and then suggested she'd lie there for half an hour after that she could leave.

So Olivia and Elliot were left alone.

"Do you regret it?" he asked.

"No," she said without hesitation. "Doesn't mean I liked it."

Elliot shook his head.

"I feel a bit relieved," she admitted. "I don't wanna feel like it.

"It's okay, you can feel however you want," Elliot said.

"How are you?" she asked.

Elliot nodded. "I'm okay too," he said, in a way it surprised him, but in all honesty he was just okay, he hadn't felt much different since they found out. Olivia had the roller coaster of emotions, he on the other hand had less variety in his emotions. In a way he was quite indifferent.

Elliot's phone rang. He took it from his pocket and looked at the screen, where Kathleen's name was flashing.

"Babe, it's Kathleen, she and Maureen are picking up Ben, she probably wants to know if they have him overnight," Elliot explained.

Olivia fell into thought.

Elliot answered the phone. "Hi Kathleen," he said.

"Yeah, you're still picking Ben up," he said to the phone, then pressed the speaker against his shoulder and turned to Olivia.

"I wanna see Ben tonight," Olivia decided.

Elliot smiled. "No, bring him back after," he said to his daughter.

A short pause later he bid his farewell to Kathleen and put his phone back to his pocket.

"They are going to see Lion King, apparently they are showing it at some small cinema, and they'll go out for dinner after," Elliot informed Olivia.

"Sounds like fun," she said.

Elliot smiled.

"El, I don't think I ever wanna have sex again," she admitted.

He masked his surprise. Ironically, when she was in labor with Ben she swore she'd never sleep with him again. Well, obviously she changed her mind.

"We'll have a few weeks of no sex ahead of us," he said with a small smile. "I'm sure we'll be fine even without sex, but I would surely miss it," he added.

Olivia chuckled.

"You'll always have your right hand," she said.

Elliot smiled and nodded.

"I wanna go home," she said.

He glanced at his watch, it had been barely 15 minutes, the doctors said to wait around for 30.

"Liv, 15 more minutes and then we'll go," he said. He sat on the edge of her bed, leaned back and placed an arm around her. She turned herself towards him.

"I'm glad you're here," she admitted.

"Me too," he replied.

***SVU***

It was still dark outside when Elliot woke up. The raindrops were falling against the window, but it didn't wake him. Blindly he reached over to his side and expecting to snuggle into Olivia, but instead he was greeted by cold bedsheets. He lifted his head and looked around, he looked for the light in the bathroom, but didn't find it.

He got up from the bed and went to search for Olivia. He didn't have to look far – he saw her standing by the door to Ben's room.

"Liv," he whispered not to startle her, but she jumped, nevertheless.

He mouthed an apology.

He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her from behind, he kissed her cheek. She relaxed into him, covered his hands with hers and breathed out easily.

"Did I wake you?" she asked.

He shook his head against her. "Your absence did," he said.

She smiled, turned her head to him and kissed the corner of his mouth quickly, then turned her attention back to Ben.

"He looks so peaceful," she said while looking at Ben.

"Yeah, he's a cute kid," Elliot agreed. "But he's gonna stay just as cute even without you staring at him."

He could tell there was something else on her mind.

"El, what if we made the wrong choice today?" she asked.

"Then we're just gonna have to live with it," he replied heavily.

"And regret is an awful thing to live with," she repeated his words from some nights ago.

"It is," he confirmed.

"Do you have regrets?" she asked.

Elliot held her a little tighter. "Yes," he said heavily, "But none of them have anything to do with you," he added.

"I don't regret you either," she said.

Elliot yawned. "Are you ready to come back to bed or do you wanna watch Ben a little longer?" he asked.

"Bed," she said confidently.

Olivia and Elliot went back to their bedroom, got under the covers, Elliot pulled her against him, she came easily, wrapped her arm around him, Elliot held his against her back over her shirt.

"El, I think I'm gonna cry," she admitted.

"I've got you, you can let it out," he said after which she did let it go. Elliot didn't say anything while Olivia cried herself to sleep. It wasn't the first time she'd done that and it wouldn't be the last one either.

Quite a few times Elliot woke up in the middle of night to find Olivia crying, but as weeks passed, her nighttime tears lessened as well. Ben's joyful laughter and blissful happiness helped Olivia more than anything else.

Soon enough the ordeal was seemingly out of mind and out picture.


	3. Talk

Elliot strolled into his old precinct, that looked quite empty. Amanda was the only one there, she was focused on the screen and didn't notice Elliot until he was at her desk.

"Liv's in interrogation," Amanda said quickly, barely giving him any attention.

Elliot nodded and took a seat at Amanda's desk. The detective sent a strange look to Elliot but didn't say anything. He looked around to make sure the place was empty.

"Look, I know Olivia told you," Elliot said.

Amanda pretended that the conversation few weeks earlier had not been on her mind way too much. "Told me what?" she asked dumbly.

Elliot tilted his head, took one look at Amanda's swollen abdomen and she knew instantly what he was referring to. She nodded.

"I'm glad she did," Elliot admitted, which surprised Amanda, but she managed to hide it. "I think it's good for her to talk about it, because she never did with me, not really. I think she told her therapist a few years back, but we never talked about it after," he talked.

"I wanted to, but she said she needed some time and then a lot of time passed. And we never got around to it," he added quickly.

"Well, it's not easy to talk about it," Amanda defended Olivia.

Elliot nodded. "I know. That's why I'm glad she told you. I know it still bothers her and I know she still thinks of it," he said. "Liv also mentioned that you were thinking about it," Elliot said.

Amanda wanted to tell him how it was none of his business, but she found herself nodding.

"I think she wanted to let you know that it's always a hard choice to make and she is still dealing with the choice she made," Elliot said heavily.

Amanda nodded again. "I had no idea about it before," Amanda admitted.

"Liv likes to keep her personal life private; she always has. Look how long it took you to learn about Ben and me," Elliot said knowingly.

"Did you want her to make the choice she did?" Amanda asked.

Elliot looked away, he toyed with the wedding band around his finger.

"I know Liv said that you let her make the decision, but she never said what you wanted to do," Amanda elaborated.

"I never told her what I wanted to do. I didn't want that hanging over her too," Elliot said, then fell silent. "I wanted her to get the abortion," he admitted quietly.

Amanda was quiet.

"She would have been four months along, when Lewis had her," he whispered.

Amanda let that settle, but she remained silent.

"I'm glad she had abortion, but I would've been happy to welcome a new baby. In a way it feels like Noah came into our lives to save us and give us a second chance," he said with slight glimmer.

"It nearly wrecked us, it almost destroyed Olivia," Elliot said heavily. "But I wanted to thank you and say that I'm glad she told someone."

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna tell everyone about it," Amanda tried to avoid Elliot having to say it.

"I wasn't worried," Elliot said.

"I have no regrets for the choice I made," Amanda said.

Elliot smiled "I'm glad," he said. "I think on some level Liv regrets the one she made, but if we could go back in time, she'd make the same one, I think," Elliot spoke.

"She mentioned that you're Catholic," Amanda said.

Elliot chuckled. "I haven't been to church for years," he said. "I haven't been a good catholic for more than a decade. I guess I didn't go to church much even at the end of my first marriage and I've been divorced now for 14 years " Elliot spoke. He realized, what Amanda was aiming for and shook his head. "I don't hate her for the decision she made or accuse her, her life and wellbeing matter more than anything. I told her that too," he said quickly.

Amanda looked a bit surprised, she was realizing more and more how wrong she had been about Elliot for years. He was becoming less and less of a caveman in her eyes. In a way she was becoming jealous of Olivia, for she had a caring and loving man waiting at home, but Amanda was still semi-single – doctor Al was barely her boyfriend these days – with two kids.

"Don't look so surprised, you know that Liv would not settle for anyone," Elliot commented with a proud smile. "That's also the reason why we didn't get married until recently. I kind of proposed just a bit after we found out she was pregnant with Ben, I gave her a ring a month or so later, but we got married after being together for almost 10 years. We didn't settle," Elliot explained further. "I was young when I married Kathy, she got pregnant and I was a good catholic. I loved her and I love my kids very much, but that marriage was more for the kids than for anything else."

Amanda squinted her eyes.

"I grew to regret my first marriage. If I could go back knowing what I know now, I would make very different decisions. Take it from me and don't stay with anyone just for the children," he finished, Amanda finally realized what he'd been trying to tell her all along.

"There is plenty of good guys out there," he added with a smile.

Amanda smiled and thanked Elliot for his insights.

"Is this guy bothering you, Amanda?" came Fin's voice. He strolled in with Carisi.

"Yes, please arrest him," Amanda deadpanned.

Fin smiled instead and came to shake Elliot's hand. "How you've been, man?" he asked.

"Good. I've got my hands full with the boys," he said.

Fin smiled. "Yet you can't get enough of this joint," Fin commented.

Elliot shook his head.

"Where is Lieu?" Carisi asked.

"Interrogation with Stone," Amanda replied.

"They'd better get something, because the bodega owner and the girlfriend gave us nothing," Fin said.

A laugh was heard in a squadroom. Elliot turned his head because he could recognize that laugh from anywhere. Olivia was laughing at something Stone had said, her hand was holding his forearm, Stone was laughing too.

"The look on his face, when you brought up the girlfriend," Stone said with a laugh.

"I was surprised he believed us," Olivia added.

Stone tilted his head. "We should do that again, Lieutenant," he used her title.

"We should, counselor," she agreed.

Only then Olivia noticed the full bullpen and amongst them was Elliot. She winked at him and let go of Stone's hand.

"You got a confession?" Fin asked.

"We did," Stone confirmed. "All we had to was say that the girlfriend gave him up and he confessed to everything," he elaborated.

"Well, Juliet was protecting her Romeo, we couldn't get her to talk," Fin said.

Olivia and Stone exchanged a look. Then burst into laughter again. "That's what I said," Stone said.

As the laughter died, Stone left to file some charges and Olivia descended into her office, Elliot right behind her.

"What was that about?" he said the moment he closed her office door.

Olivia shook her head. "Nothing," she said. "A joke we had." She had her back turned to him and she was looking over some papers on her desk.

Elliot didn't quite like the answer, but he didn't press the issue.

"What brings you here?" she asked. She turned around to face him, which was the exact second he pressed his lips against hers and wrapped an arm around her midsection.

Olivia peeked to find her blinds were closed and her coworkers didn't have a front row seat to Elliot possessively trying to stake his claim. Only then she closed her eyes and allowed herself to forget about the day and all the worries of her work.

"I got some spare time before I have to pick up the boys, I thought I'll come by and swoon you," he said unapologetically.

"Of course, you did," she commented.

"Did you have a good day?" he asked, he had moved to drop casual kisses on her neck.

"Medium," she replied,

Elliot made a sound at his throat, guided her hands around his neck and pressed his palms against her back under her work jacket.

"Any chance your day is getting better?" he asked against her skin.

"A bit," she replied.

"Just a bit?" he growled and nibbled her earlobe.

"A bit more maybe," she said.

He appreciated that reply. Elliot guided her to the couch. He turned her around and had her sit in front of him, his legs on each side of her. He placed his hands on her shoulders and massaged gently.

Olivia moaned.

He kissed the back of her head.

"Never forget how much I love you," he whispered in her ear and sealed it with a kiss just below her ear.

"How could I when you make it so hard," she replied.

"Just means I'm doing my job well," he said.

She agreed with him.

Elliot moved his hands lower on her back and pushed her upper body a bit further from him to get better access. Olivia held onto his legs, her fingers around his knees, her eyes remained shut.

"It feels so good," she said, her head fell forward.

"Always for you, Lieutenant Benson," he replied with a slight mockery of her title.

Olivia didn't react to that.

"You still don't wanna change your name?" he asked.

Olivia Benson-Stabler shook her head. "I don't think this office need another Stabler," she said. Whereas she had taken his name legally, she continued using Benson at work. Her wedding band remained in her finger though.

"One day there will be a Captain Stabler, mark my words," he promised.

Olivia chuckled. "Maybe," she replied.

Elliot continued moving his hands down on her back, he hit a tight knot on her lower back. Olivia groaned.

"There?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah," Olivia dragged out, her voice was low and she was clutching his knees. Elliot was more than confident he had hit the right spot. He used his knuckles to apply more pressure, Olivia groaned even louder.

"What did you do today?" she asked making small talk.

"Hmm," he said. He continued massaging her back. "I dropped Ben and Noah to school, I washed your work clothes as requested and I bought stuff for Ben's science project," he said.

"Thank you," she said with appreciation.

"I also did the groceries," he added.

"Look at you, you're a classical housewife," she joked.

"Who would've thought," he laughed.

"Not me," she said.

He kissed the back of her neck, his fingers made their way back up to her tense shoulders.

"You're so tense," he said and kissed the back of her head.

"It's all the work and the cases," she explained.

He pushed her hair out of the way and kissed the side of her neck. "Tonight, you'll get a proper massage, I'll get some nice candles to set the mood and I'll get all the tension out of your body," he promised.

Olivia let out a laugh. "There's a lot of tension, mister," she said unamusingly.

"You're more relaxed now than you were 10 minutes ago," he said.

Olivia agreed nonverbally, she turned towards him, brought her hand up to caress his stubbly cheek and kissed him.

"I will thank you when I get home tonight and the boys are asleep," she promised.

"I won't object to that," he chuckled.

Olivia laughed.

He worked his way down her back, until he couldn't find any knots. He pulled her back against his chest and wrapped his arms around her middle. Olivia threw her head back on his shoulder and closed her eyes, her hands covered his.

Elliot's breath was hot against her neck.

A knock on the door interrupted them. Olivia sat upright, Elliot loosened his hold around her, but didn't let go completely.

"Enter," Olivia responded.

Fin opened the door and peeked in.

"Liv, you need to see this," he said seriously.

Olivia stood up from the couch, her body protesting against the loss of Elliot's warmth. She nodded and indicated that she'd be right there. Fin closed the door.

Elliot got up before Olivia could turn to him apologetically.

"Go," he told.

Olivia licked her lips, stepped back to him, threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. Elliot more than welcomed her, he held his arms around her tightly and returned the kiss.

They parted.

"Go, I'll see you when you get back," he instructed.

"I love you," she whispered as she left her office.

Elliot smiled, he followed her out of the office, waved goodbye to her team and left the precinct. Hegot everything he came for.

***SVU***

When Olivia had finished reading bedtime stories and the boys were asleep, she entered the bedroom. Elliot had lit some scented candles and dimmed the light; a towel was in the middle of the bed and Elliot was sitting on the edge with two bottles of massage oil in his hands. A soft relaxing music was playing quietly.

"Are the kids asleep?" he asked.

Olivia nodded. "Noah was out before I could finish the story, Ben waited for the end, but he went down easily," she elaborated.

"They were tired after soccer today," Elliot added.

Olivia nodded.

"Do you want lavender or coconut oil?" he asked.

"Lavender," she replied.

Elliot took the selected bottle, stood up and walked up to his wife. He kissed her temple, her hair was still wavy and damp from the shower she'd taken before, but he liked the smell of shower gel and conditioner lingering over her.

He linked his fingers on her back and looked at her.

"Do you want regular massage or a romantic massage?" he asked with subtle flirtatious tone.

"What's the difference?" she asked, her palms were on his chest, toying with his shirt.

"If I will do this," he said and pressed his lips against hers, he pulled away from the kiss and moved his lips to her neck, "or this," he said and kissed her neck sensually, Olivia moaned. He moved his hands downwards and caressed her bottom with the hand not holding massage oil. "Or touch you like that," he whispered hoarsely.

She moved her head to the side, so Elliot could keep kissing her neck and around her ear. "Or do this," he said and sucked her skin just below her ear.

"Oh yeah, all of that please," she responded.

In the most unexpected way Elliot pulled back, completely retreated from Olivia with no warning. She gasped. "Then, missis Stabler, get naked," he said and gave a look at her casual attire.

Elliot himself pulled his shirt over his head leaving his upper body bare.

"And give me your phone," he demanded.

Olivia gave Elliot her phone and started undressing herself. Elliot turned her phone off, placed it next to his on the bedside table and admired his wife getting undressed.

He'd placed another towel for her head, so he guided her onto their bed completely naked. She lied down on her stomach per Elliot's instructions.

Elliot had a few drops of oil on his hands, he was warming it up by rubbing his hands together. First he squatted in front of the bed, she lifted her head and kissed him.

"Just relax and enjoy," he said and winked.

"I will," she promised.

Elliot kissed her forehead, then climbed into bed and sat down on her lower back with his knees on either side of her. He started at her neck and upper back. He moved his fingers with long strokes at first gently and then adding more pressure with each stroke until she became vocal about it and he knew he was hitting the right spots.

"El," she moaned with a low voice.

Elliot smirked, he kept moving his thumbs over her shoulders. He felt her tense muscles there, he couldn't undo everything properly over her shirt at work. He leaned down and kissed the back of her neck while his thumbs continued stroking her shoulders.

He moved his hands lower on her back while applying just the right amount of pressure to relax her but awake some desires in her at the same time. He added pleasure by kissing the areas he had worked on before.

He worked her expertly and he could tell that just by the way she was occasionally tensing up at his touch – yes, she still did that when he was touching a few of her more sensitive areas – he took pride in having them mapped out.

For whatever reason she still shivered, when he touched just on the right side just below the ribcage on the back. So just for the sake of it, he kissed her tenderly there, which caused an involuntary shiver and then massaged her to make her shiver again.

"Elliot," she complained. A smirk on his face, Elliot removed his hands, and got down on top of her, the bare skin of his chest against her back. He pushed her hair away and kissed her cheek, then the corner of her mouth and then her lips.

"Is there a problem, my dear?" he mocked slightly.

"Elliot," she said simply and opened an eye.

Elliot was well aware that she didn't like him touching the spots that made her shiver much, but he quite enjoyed it. It was more about Olivia disliking the fact that she still shivered at his touch than her not liking being touched by Elliot.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked.

"No," she replied.

Elliot smiled and kissed her lips again.

He rubbed his chest against her upper back, then retreated and continued where he'd stopped before. As he moved lower, he moved from sitting on her lower back to sitting on her bottom to upper thighs, then he moved to the side and massaged her feet all the way down to her toes.

Elliot got some more oil and sat back at her thighs, then carefully moved his fingers over her buttocks. She moaned and for the first time it was not because of the way his fingers were relaxing her body, but this time it was the way he was arousing her. That was his secondary goal, when he proposed the massage.

When he was done, he climbed off from her and ordered her to roll over, which she did. He admired her for a brief second, then sat on her lower abdomen even more conscious than ever before of his bulging semi-hard penis against her abdomen. She surely felt that too.

Before he continued, he leaned down and gave her a full open-mouthed tongue dancing passionate kiss.

This time she didn't close her eyes, she kept them on him, the smirk on her face said just how aware of his penis she was. But it also said that she was enjoying it.

Elliot smirked and then grabbed her breasts. Olivia gasped. He released them and then took them gently in his hands again and started moving in circular movements. He could tell she really liked that part, but so did he. While keeping the eye contact, he lowered his face and kissed both of her nipples.

Then she moved on to massaging and sucking her breast at the same time.

She wiggled underneath him.

"It's so good," she was vocal.

Elliot moved to her other breast and sucked it as well.

Finally, after what felt like eternity, he moved lower and started rubbing her abdomen. She was becoming increasingly aroused, so was he. He shifted uncomfortably, then adjusted himself, but there was no hiding of his fully erected penis. He was fighting for control though, he really wanted to finish the massage, but he also wanted to get rid of his pants and fuck Olivia senseless.

He moved lower, and gently moved his fingers over her inner thighs. Olivia lifted her hips involuntarily, when he was working her just the right way relaxing and arousing at the same time.

After being confident he had reached his goals, he climbed on top of her, kissed her lips in a way that left her wanting much more and held his fingers on her neck.

"Would you like to add happy ending to this massage?" he asked suggestively.

She nodded, confident he barely needed to touch her before the happy ending arrived. But Elliot had some other plans. He had full intentions of dragging it out. He started his painfully slow retreat down her body by kissing her neck, then her chest, both of her nipples, her abdomen, belly button, her inner thighs and only then she moved onto her core.

She gasped, when he moved his lips to her clitoris. "Yeah, Elliot," she moaned.

He knew well on how to work her, which he did. He felt the pooling wetness and he knew just how close she already was. All it took was just a few good strokes with his tongue and a little bit more magic with his thumb to make her orgasm. It was surprisingly strong one, her back arched and hips buckled and his name was a whisper on her lips.

Awfully proud of himself, he licked her and lifted his head, he made sure she saw him swallowing.

"How was that?" he asked.

"Mind blowing," she replied. "And not just the orgasm," she added.

Elliot smirked. "I'm glad," he said. He kissed his way back up her body and kissed her slightly swollen lips again, he was also letting her taste herself.

He pressed himself against her, his erection making himself known to both of them, he brushed himself against her. They were making out, she'd wrapped her legs around his midsection and was slowly working to get his pants down. Together they succeeded leaving them both naked. Olivia reached down and took his erection in her hand.

Elliot gasped and broke the kiss.

"Liv," he said with arousal.

She stroked him casually. He moaned.

Swiftly she rolled them over and she ended up on top of him. Olivia sat up over his lower abdomen eyeing his reaction, she leaned down and started kissing her way down from his chin.

"Liv, you don't have to," he said knowing well where it was leading.

She lifted her head from his chest. "Did you really not expect a little happy ending yourself?" she asked and tilted her head.

He shrugged his shoulders – of course he was hoping it would lead to it, but he wasn't quite expecting it to happen.

Olivia smiled. She continued kissing until she hit his navel and then she tensed up. She was holding him in her hand stroking, but just as she was getting ready to replace her hand with her lips, she froze, and changed her mind. Before Elliot could react, she had sat on his lower abdomen and was sinking down on him.

He opened his eyes to Olivia jumping up and down fucking him. He placed his hands on her sides, guiding her and in a way getting into the rhythm, so he could meet her halfway. She had her fingers over her clit and the other hand was holding her breasts from jumping up and down. Elliot reached up and grabbed her breasts instead. She pushed her hair back.

"Liv, I'm so close," he panted.

"Me too," she replied.

He buckled his hips and slammed into her chasing his release, a mere seconds later it triggered hers, she collapsed on top of him. His vision was white and he could barely register anything but his pulsating waves of pleasure. He was still holding her breasts when Olivia crashed into his chest having reached her orgasm.

She was panting heavily, so was he.

He wasn't going to say anything about the blowjob that didn't happen, he never had. It had been going on since she went undercover in Sealview, and Elliot hadn't made any comments about it.

Her brown hair was all over his sweaty chest.

Lazily without much effort she kissed his jaw. "Thank you," she whispered.

"You're most welcome," he replied.

"Your hands are amazing," she said. Elliot moved his hands down around her just to make a point.

"You're amazing," he said fully meaning it not just deflecting her compliment.

"It would be amazing to fall asleep like this," she said, her eyes were closed.

Elliot agreed nonverbally.

She patted his chest lightly before getting up. He protested against her body leaving his. She grabbed the t-shirt he had discarded before and pulled it on with a pair of pajama pants, she threw him his sleeping pants.

Olivia proceeded with putting out the candles and throwing the towel from the bed into laundry, she grabbed her phone from the bedside and turned it back on. She saw a few notifications about new emails and a text from Stone, but she ignored all of them.

She fell back into the bed right between Elliot's waiting arms.

"You were talking with Amanda today," Olivia said.

Elliot nodded against her, then vocalized his reply.

"Something you wanna share?" she asked casually.

"I know Amanda knows," he said.

"Right, the abortion," Olivia stated.

Elliot tightened his hold around her and kissed her cheek. "I promised you then that it wouldn't break us, I'm not letting this promise be broken now," he said surely.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" she asked with caution.

She shifted so she was facing him.

"No," he said. "Babe, it was five years ago. I told you then that I would support your choice and nothing has changed since."

Olivia nodded. Elliot moved some hair from her face behind her ear. "Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked.

Olivia shook her head. "It was one of the hardest things I've done in my life, I don't wanna dwell on it," she said.

He kissed her temple. "But you know you can talk about it if you want to, it's okay," he said just to assure her. "I know," she replied quickly.

She closed the distance between them and buried her face against his chest. "I love our boys so much," she whispered.

"I know. I love them too," he replied and kissed the top of her head.

Olivia pulled away again. "I feel like Noah is a blessing we didn't know we needed," she said.

Elliot nodded. "Well, he was the right age and he came into our lives when we needed him the most, oddly enough he even looks like you," he agreed.

Olivia took a deep breath. She looked deep into Elliot's eyes. "I don't regret getting an abortion. I never imagined myself getting one, specially with you, but I don't regret getting it. I don't feel guilty anymore and I know if I could go back in time, I would still make the same decision," she said in all seriousness.

Elliot nodded with understanding.

"But it doesn't mean that I liked it or I feel proud or anything about it," she said

"No," Elliot said, he knew well where she was coming from. "I hate that you were in that position. I hate that I put you there and I hate that I couldn't do anything about it."

She shook her head and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. "It takes two. And you made it better, you made a world of a difference for me by being there. You were my rock, you've been my stability for the past 20 years and I love you for it," she said.

"It was just a complicated situation," he concluded.

Olivia nodded. "It was," she agreed.

"And we're okay now," he said with slight hint of a question in his statement.

"Yeah, we're good," she confirmed.

Olivia gently shoved his chest to make him lie down on his back and then placed her head on his chest and closed her eyes.

Elliot shifted a bit, made sure his arms were around Olivia, closed his eyes and waited for the slumber to arrive.


End file.
